Archive for the 'spam' Category

I am all ears

Grandad December 29th, 2007

Normally I clear out my spam filters a couple of times a day.

Over Christmas though, I didn’t [and Sandy obviously doesn't know about these things].

So when I went to check the filters, there were 257 spam messages waiting for me.

Normally, I trawl through them, in case there is a genuine comment that got accidentally trapped, but this time I just deleted them.

But before I did, I noticed one.  It intrigued me.  It’s from a bloke who is so passionate about his on-line loans, that he even changed his name by deed pole.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t spell.

Actually, I think he is from Jamaica.

Hi guys, I want expplain you about online loan.
I wrok there about 122 ears, awnd i`m sure that te best loan is jam session

Bye

loanonlnl

Now what intrigued me about this was what exactly he did.  I don’t know what is involved in wrokkig.  Is there any wrokker out there who can tell me what is involved?

And he wrok there for 122 ears?  If he meant years, then surely he’d be due for retirement by now? Or else he is dead, but because they don’t want to lose a valuable wrokker, they haven’t told him yet?

It can’t be years.

So he is wrokking for 122 ears?  Are they good listeners? 

ears

I have it!  I know what ‘to wrok’ means.

WROK: (n) origin unknown.  To borrow jazz musicians who will play an impromptu session for an audience that is all ears.

I’m glad I sorted that one.

I’ve been tagged again

Grandad November 11th, 2007

Our K8 has come up with a new meme.

And, bless her little cotton socks, she has passed it on to me.

She wants me to write a post that uses every tag. It’s all very well for her - she only has a few. I have loads. The cow!

Now I may be getting old but I find these difficult. I had a hard days blogging yesterday, as I had a good rant on a podcast to America. That was after I did my post on Cully and Sully.

So today I went for a ramble around the garden, trying to think of a topic. No go. There was no inspiration around the house either, and I’m damned if I’m going around the village or around the town for something so trivial.

Back in the 70’s life was a lot simpler. There were no computers or Internet, or even television so there were no memes. I had no irritating daughter in the family either. We found our pleasures in simple things. I remember learning to drive so we could go on holidays touring in the West, with no worries about flying and Global Warming. We had such simple sports as children in times past, like watching spiders spin their webs, and the designs they’d make. We’d go for rambles through the woods and have picnics of tea and spam sandwiches. We were a lot healthier for it.

Nowadays, work is the new religion and people have lost the use of their imagination. People only get worked up over celebrities and smoking out corrupt politicians. They panic over property prices and have lost sight of the soul of life.

No.

I can’t think of anything.

I elect not to do it.

I’m going to file this under Uncatagorised.

Maybe Sixty should have a bash at this?

Or how about Kirk at Just Thinkin’? I haven’t tagged him before.

And it’s a while since I annoyed Grannymar!!

tag-award

F*cking memes….

Read the small print

Grandad September 17th, 2007

I just received a nice letter.

It was from Internet Register Ireland.

Interestingly, this company is also called DAD [any relation, I wonder?] and is registered in Holland.

Anyway, they want to include my site in a directory. All I have to do is confirm the details, sign it and send it back in the pre-paid envelope. Nice.

I read the small print -

scam.jpg

[actually, it's a bit bigger than that, but if you click it you'll see]

That is quite a lot of money to spend to be listed in a directory I’ve never heard of?

So I searched the garden and found one of Sandy’s turds. It was nice and squishey, and had a fine blue-green hairy mould on it. It was quite pungent. I put it in a plastic bag and sent it to Internet Register Ireland in their pre-paid envelope.

I hope they read the small print.

Never blog when you are p*ssed

Grandad August 3rd, 2007

I just received a comment on one of my posts.

It is from a poor girl in Samoa who is lovelorn and is trying to contact her long lost love.

I think she is so heartbroken, that she is hitting the bottle a little too hard. This is a bad idea when typing.

Here is her outpouring -

Good afternoon visitors of web page of site www.headrambles.com I not so a long ago am in Suffolk
and so, that I said goodbye with to sweet one a man, David/Tracey - Leekon, and now try to find him, last that I know so it that he lives in citi, and often visits the resources of type your www.headrambles.com, if suddenly will see this nik write that this man knocked in my icq . I very much I am sad without socializing with this man.To reason wanted to say thank you and to wish successes to the collective your resource. So to hold boys. Only little request of,sdelayte that your resource was more pochasche accessible, themes that for you Super

Now it is only fair that she gets a reply, but first I need to raid the whiskey stock.

Dear Beimatbet,
Thank you for visiting my site, and I hope that David/Tracey - Leekon does too. With a bit of luck he will see this and reply.
Has it occurred to you that he may be a teetotaller and may be avoiding you?
I hop not becase you sound lik a nice girl.
I hadnt intehded this to be a dateing sit but I hope someting hapens.
Have fjbd ssd iuftyutty jdff….

*hic*

*burp*

I am The Chosen One

Grandad July 16th, 2007

Someone is trying to tell me something.

I am used to spam. Usually they are trying to turn my anatomy into an elephant’s trunk, or get me high on Viagara [combine the two and I'd end up looking like the Stiffy by the Liffey]. Or else its Mrs Nksdftfvb from Nigeria who has billions she wants to give me.

These ones are different though.

They aren’t trying to sell me anything. They aren’t blokes who say they are girls and want me to write to them. There are no links or e-mail addresses. Just words.

here’s one I just received. It was entitled “coincidental cruise countersunk“:

congo bryophyte, corral brandon apathetic, arachne bunk. beard acquisition cargoes desegregate clergyman copolymer breadwinner. coccidiosis attica amort cancel caw creedal arabic augur acs caruso corrupt bracket. batt claire clerk ammeter burbank ado blur

And another called “cock biennial cairn”

comprehensible amperage correspondent claus. crime authoritarian arbitrage cesium cathodic clifford. contravention crossbow basepoint bamboo boca bug alpheratz brahms balfour. ape cloudburst canberra bladderwort adelaide anemone deneb.

I like puzzles. I used to be a cracker at the Irish Times Crossaire crossword until I got bored with it. I was the master in school at coding rude messages about teachers. I solved all the codes at the back of the Dan Brown books.

But these have me stumped.

I tried taking every second word and every third word [still no sense]. I tried spelling the words backwards. I counted the letters in each word and then did the Lottery with the result [I didn't win].

I notice that all the words start with a, b, c or d. Maybe they are sending music? So I tried playing them [c,a,c,c,c,a etc.]. But whoever is sending them isn’t Mozart or Beethoven.

Maybe someone is giving me words to learn from the dictionary? In which case I have a lot more to come. But Clifford is a proper noun, not a common noun. So that’s out.

Then it occurred to me. These must be from extra-terrestrials. They are sending me DNA code to establish contact. Once I crack the code and receive another million or so of these mails, I’ll be able to construct the DNA of an alien species, and I can grow myself my own alien. He/she/it will then appoint me ambassador to their planet. Wherever it is.

They examined every person on the planet and decided I was the most intelligent. Or maybe they like reading my blog?

Either way, it’s quite flattering.

Banking Errors

Grandad July 9th, 2007

I have just had a very nice e-mail from Allied Irish Banks

Dear Allied Irish Banks Member,

This is your official notification from Allied Irish Banks. Your online has expired.
If you want to continue using our service you have to renew your online. If not, your online will be limited and deleted.

To continue click here and complete the renew form with your current information.

Thank you,
Copyright Allied Irish Banks p.l.c. 1995

My reply:

Dear Allied Irish Banks,

Thank you very much for your e-mail dated today informing me that my online has expired.

I think you must be mistaken though, as I am still online so it seems to be still alive. And I am a bit confused as to why I should be prevented from banking with you if my internet connection fails? Surely I can walk into the nearest branch?

I am a bit puzzled too by the bit about my “online being limited and deleted”. Surely if you delete my online, than that is a limitation in itself? It can’t be both limited and deleted. That’s like saying it would be a little bit dead. Or would it be dead, but still a little bit live?

Please clarify this as I am rightly confused.

Yours sincerely,

Grandad

P.S. I tried your link, but it didn’t bring me to https://internetbanking.aib.ie/. Are you aware of this error? I think you should fix it straight away.

P.P.S. This is 2007. I think you need to check your calendar. You missed out on the Millennium. It was great craic.

P.P.P.S. I don’t even have an account with you….

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