Archive for the 'spam' Category

Do women have wet dreams?

October 9th, 2008

From time to time, people send me emails.

That’s nice, because it means someone is thinking about me. 

I received on the other day that had me a little confused though -

Hey, buddy!

I know some men have serious problems with their sexual health. Had them myself. And I really know what it means – to feel yourself something less than man. Yes, you still have the shaft, but it seems useless.

I even began thinking about some surgery or stuff like that, but suddenly there came a solution – from the place I’d never imagine it could come! I found a site, distributing great medication for people like me and they sell it at incredibly low price. I thought it’s a joke, or some kind of cheating, but finally decided to try – I didn’t have much to loose, did I? But I won! You got to try it yourself – here is the link, use it and }

I was just a little bit annoyed at the over familiarity of ‘Hey Buddy’ and it’s an American expression that I don’t tolerate in this neck of the world.  However, despite the familiarity, I realised they probably didn’t know me that well, so I let it pass.

I know some men have serious problems with their sexual health.

Maybe so.  Maybe we have had them in the past, but a good blast of penicillin cleared that up and I’m fine now.

Had them myself.

I’m sorry to hear that.

And I really know what it means – to feel yourself something less than man. Yes, you still have the shaft, but it seems useless.

Wow!  You have been through the wars.  The bit about the shaft has me confused though.  What has an old well got to do with sex?

I even began thinking about some surgery or stuff like that, but suddenly there came a solution – from the place I’d never imagine it could come!

Oh! I think we are talking about wet dreams here?

I found a site, distributing great medication for people like me and they sell it at incredibly low price.

That’s either a joke, or they are trying to cheat you.

I thought it’s a joke, or some kind of cheating, but finally decided to try – I didn’t have much to loose, did I?

No you don’t.  I think you have lost it already.

You got to try it yourself – here is the link, use it and }

Grammar!!  You should say “You have got to try it” not “You got to try it”.  Can you please also tell me the significance of the curly brace?

I didn’t try the link.  I was suddenly afraid. Very, very afraid….

You see, my benefactor, having written all about men’s sexual problems, wet dreams and operations, signs the mail “Wendi”.

I didn’t reply.

I think I did the right thing.

Comments

August 19th, 2008

Several times in the past I [and others] have been accused of deleting comments.  This is supposedly to make my audience appear supportive of all I write.

I have written some stuff in the past which has sparked some controversy and I have received my share of negative comments.

I don’t mind someone disagreeing with me.  In fact I welcome it as it can lead to an interesting debate.  Strangely enough though, when I write something I think will cause a comment war, people just come along and agree with me.   Am I so in tune with the Great Unwashed?

My policy is pretty straightforward.

I will block a comment if I think it is spam.

I will block a comment if it is defamatory or if it is blatantly abusive towards another commenter.

I will block a comment if it is obviously from a nut case.

I have my own little pet nut case who is intrigued with this site for some reason.  I told him to fuck off in the past, and when he didn’t I added him to Askimet so he is now a bone fide spammer.  That didn’t stop him though – it just meant that all his comments are deleted in my regular spam clean out.

He still writes occasionally, even though he gets nowhere.  I see his name crop up in the spam list and I just click on “Delete all” and away he goes.

A few days ago, I took the piss out of parking wardens.

My nut case [I'll call him SS] took grave exception to this.  I noticed he had commented on it and for once I read what he had to say.

“so this is how you treat civil servants.” he says.  “Of course it is”, is my reply.  These little Jobsworths are put on this planet to make my life a misery so it is beholden on me to reciprocate.

“you tricked him out of getting the fee he deserved.” he continues.  I love this.  The fee he deserved?  For fuck’s sake!  He doesn’t deserve anything.  He is not providing a service – he is charging me a fee for parking on a public road.  Anyway, he doesn’t get the fee.  He gets a salary.  The money goes to the council so that they can enjoy expensive and useless trips abroad.

“the great thing about [his little group] is that it encourages civil honesty, something you clearly lack and then you boast about your shameful behavior on your blog“  Yes.  I am so ashamed.  I cannot live with myself.  I am the most uncivilly dishonest person I know of.

“..how petulant and sad.” he says.  I am confused here.  Is he talking about himself?  That is the most petulant and the saddest comment I have ever not received on my site, so it must be himself he’s talking about.

I hope he continues to write.  I’m not taking him out of the spam listing, but I will watch out for his comments in future.  They always give me a laugh.

I blame Harney.

The mental institutions need a lot more funding.

Evil Austrians

May 8th, 2008

I accidentally went into my spam mail yesterday.

I was about to click out of it again, but one mail caught my eye.  I’m not sure why.

spam

“Get a totally wicked wiener”

What the hell does that mean?

I know what ‘totally’ is supposed to mean.  It’s that word that is totally overused and is so totally ignorant sounding in any context nowadays.  I presume it crept into modern parlance through one of those ghastly American comedies like ‘Friends’ or ‘Sex in the city’, so everyone pronounces it as ‘todally’. It has become as ubiquitous as ‘like’ [or 'loike'] and has to be scattered like thistledown through every damned sentence these days. This just makes me want to smash the speakers teeth back through their tonsils.

‘Wicked’ means evil or bad.  We all know that.

But what the hell is a ‘wiener’?  I had to look that one up.

Apparently it is either a hot-dog or a German word for a Viennese.

I presume these people aren’t trying to sell me hot-dogs through the Interweb, so it can only be a Viennese.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, does someone want me to have an evil person from Vienna?  Is this some new European law that we all have to adopt a criminal from another country?  Is it some new fashion statement like a replica Rolex watch?  Is this the new ‘must have’ [another horrendous contemporary cliche!]?

I did send off for the ‘fantastic larger rod’ though.

I believe fishing is a very relaxing pastime.

Talking to a spammer

April 25th, 2008

I was in a bad mood yesterday.  I was also tired, which is a dangerous combination.

I was having a quiet doze in my armchair, thinking pleasant thoughts about murdering politicians when the phone rang.

I looked at the display for the number – UNAVAILABLE.

Now that means only one thing – a cold caller.  They are too damned chicken to display their numbers.  But it gave me a chance to work up a nice head of steam.

I let it ring a few times and answered it.

"What?" I barked.

There was a woman on the other end of the line.  Now, there are accents and there are accents.  There are some Irish accents that grate on my nerves, and some English ones too.  But this woman had the worst American accent I have ever heard.  And her voice was like a nail being dragged across glass.  She had a high screechy voice that set my nerves at breaking point.

She started into her waffle by saying that she was from ABC and DEF and that she was doing some market re……

"Oy!" I shouted.

There was a pause.

"I beg your pardon?" she screeched.

"Fuck off" I said.

There was an even longer pause.

"I just wanted to know if you could spare some time to answ…"

"I said fuck off" I said.

"…answer a few questions?" she screeched.

"I hate cold callers" I replied.  I had to admire her thick skin.

"You hate what?"

"Cold callers."

"Cold callers?"

"Yes.  What you are.  You rang me.  I never gave you permission to ring me.  You are a cold caller."

There was another long pause.  I thought she was going to argue the toss.

"Thank you for taking the call." she said in a far less screechy voice, and hung up.

I know she was only doing her job, but by working for whatever shower it was, she was knowingly promoting the spamming of private telephone lines.

It is spam.  And it’s nice to be able to tell a spammer to fuck off.

America declares war on Ireland

February 20th, 2008

Earlier today, I initiated a bit of anti-spam policy.

I nuked Chicago.

As usual, the Americans overreacted and declared war.

And, as usual, they missed.

My apologies [on behalf of the American people] to the people of Bristol.

fire

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