Head Rambles

Grandad July 9th, 2007

I have just had a very nice e-mail from Allied Irish Banks

Dear Allied Irish Banks Member,

This is your official notification from Allied Irish Banks. Your online has expired.
If you want to continue using our service you have to renew your online. If not, your online will be limited and deleted.

To continue click here and complete the renew form with your current information.

Thank you,
Copyright Allied Irish Banks p.l.c. 1995

My reply:

Dear Allied Irish Banks,

Thank you very much for your e-mail dated today informing me that my online has expired.

I think you must be mistaken though, as I am still online so it seems to be still alive. And I am a bit confused as to why I should be prevented from banking with you if my internet connection fails? Surely I can walk into the nearest branch?

I am a bit puzzled too by the bit about my “online being limited and deleted”. Surely if you delete my online, than that is a limitation in itself? It can’t be both limited and deleted. That’s like saying it would be a little bit dead. Or would it be dead, but still a little bit live?

Please clarify this as I am rightly confused.

Yours sincerely,

Grandad

P.S. I tried your link, but it didn’t bring me to https://internetbanking.aib.ie/. Are you aware of this error? I think you should fix it straight away.

P.P.S. This is 2007. I think you need to check your calendar. You missed out on the Millennium. It was great craic.

P.P.P.S. I don’t even have an account with you….

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Grandad June 3rd, 2007

I’m a fair bloke.

I like to give people a chance.

So here is a warning to the people of Panama. You are about to be on the receiving end of a series of intercontinental nuclear missiles [of about 50 mega tonnes each] that I picked up on eBay from a bloke in Moscow.

You see, I have been on the receiving end of a series of comments to my blog that have been coming in at the rate of about 100 an hour.

And they are all f*cking stupid. They are all marked “ka-ka-sh-ka” and I don’t even know what that means. They are all about the weirdest topics and I AM NOT INTERESTED. I have hundreds of the damn things.

I don’t want to know about “Books about apartment florida in miami” or “Popular authors of kokos gold fish articles” or “This site is about metal license plate frame” or “homepage of montana horse ranch” or even “Relevant links for free wedding site“.

Ron tells me that apparently they are all coming from Panama. So I’m afraid you have to go.

I got some nice targeting software from the same bloke. He threw it in for nothing [nice one, Boris. I gave you a five star rating] and here is the proposed missile path:

As you can see, the software has recommended an initial strike of 13 missiles, so we’ll see if that does the job. If it doesn’t, then I have plenty in reserve.

If you are in the habit of driving from North America to South America [or vice versa] then I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take the ferry from now on. On the other hand, shipping companies will save a fortune. This is what the map will look like after:

Again, I apologise to the people of Panama. I’m sure you are a nice nation. But you must understand that I hate spammers.

You’d better start packing.

I reckon you have about five minutes.

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Grandad May 9th, 2007

I have categorised this as Spam, because I didn’t ask for the e-mail it came in.

However, it came from a friend, and I like it.

It is very educational, so I thought I would share it with you.

-oOo-

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would have been produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate whilst its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

A flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes - lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Hey what about that pig??)

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Grandad March 21st, 2007

I received a very strange e-mail.

It isn’t spam, and it is addressed just to me.

I think he may be a little confused as to exactly who I am, or what I do, or even what a blog is.

I have to edit the letter just a little to prevent all my p0rn0 friends dropping by in the future:

Hi
My name is Chad. I am an amateur adult film actor who wishes to go professional in the g*y male an*l s*x genrie.

Please send me a media packet at your earliest convenience.

Chad

Thank you for your kind offer Chad. I am a bit of an amateur myself, so if I need to act the part of myself in my forthcoming film, I will doubtless cast myself.

This is me singing the lead in Rigoletto at the Royal Opera House in Covent Garden. It is the only media packet I possess. Will that do?

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Grandad February 5th, 2007

Something very strange is going on with my spam.

My spammers are starting to talk to each other on my site.

At the begining of the year, Ron installed a thing called Askimet in the site here, and it stops all the spam. It is very good. So far it has stopped 1,600 comments being posted that would have been unsavoury, to put it mildly.

All I have to do is go in and check every now and again that it’s not making any mistakes. So far it has only made one, which isn’t bad. I then delete the rest.

For the last week or two though, the spam seems to have changed.

Instead of just trying to sell me viagara and send me to casinos and porn sites, the spammers are starting to make comments. And what is even stranger, some of them seem to be commenting on previous spam. They are even complaining about themselves.

I went in to check this morning and I found the following spams. I have put them in the order I received them. I have left out any that included a link, so all of these remaining ones are just messages. They are unedited which may explain the odd bracket or two. They all come from different spammers.

Now, I always believe in replying to letters [my mother taught me that], so of course I replied to them. I have included my responses, for what it’s worth

Are they strange? Or what?

It is possible to delete all this spam? - Yes. No problem

Is it ok? - Well, that depends. If it is not immoral or illegal, then I’d say go for it.

( spam ( - I know!

Not bad, it really can occur - Most things can occur. Unless they are impossible.

COol - You like it?

Fucking Pidors! Spammed so much( - No need for that kind of language

Awesome, man - Yeah. Cool, dude

Looks nice - Thanks

Spam really sucks( delete it - I have every intention of doing so

Glad to hear it - I take it you are referring to the last comment I sent?

Hello! informative nice site, excellent design! - Thank you very much. Though I wouldn’t call it informative as such.

So much spam ( - I know. Terrible. Isn’t it?

Thanks man, i agree - About so much spam?

Hello! interesting nice site, excellent design! - Thank you so much. Why don’t you vote for me in the Irish Web Awards?

I think they may be having a nervous breakdown. Should I have added the phone number of a good clinic?

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Grandad December 15th, 2006

As you may gather, I love spam. It is a source of endless amusement

I received this one today. Seeing as she is a philanthropist, I have to answer it.

From: DR.JULIET BLINK (Philanthropist)

Dear good friend,

Subject Matter: SINCERE COMPENSATION .

You might find it so difficult to remember me. Though, it is indeed, a very long time. On my singular, I am much delighted and privileged to contact you again, after couple of years now. It takes fate, courage and God’s fearing to remember old friends and at the same time, to show gratification to them, despite circumstances that made things, not worked out as we projected then.

I take this liberty to inform you that, the transaction we were pursing together, finally worked out by God’s infinite mercy and I decided to contact you, just to let you know. I have conscience as a human begin, due to your tremendous effort and contribution to make things work out in retrospect.

Meanwhile, I must inform you that, I am presently in Luxemburg for numerous business negotiations and establishment. I just arrived yesterday night and checked inn, in a hotel and decided to go down to the hotel business centre to mail you. Now, with my sincere heart, I have raised and signed an International Cashier’s Bank Draft, to the tune of USD$520,000.00 ( FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DECIMAL ZERO-ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) only in your name as COMPENSATION to your dedication, humanity and contribution, as it were.

Please, contact NOW, my confidential secretary, she is in the name of:

MR WOOD WILLAMS (Secretary)
E-mail: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx
Tel.: +000000000000
You are to forward to her, the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME & ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER ( If necessary)

She will advise you further about the shipment of the ICBD to your Residence Address or Offices Address you may provided. Feel free to reach via this very mail address. Most importantly, the ICBD has only validity period of 12 banking days.

So, your early response to that effect, shall be admired. You have to mind the days on route shipment.

Sincerely Yours,

Dr.JULIET BLINK. (Philanthropist)

So here is my reply………..

Dear good friend, - Hold on now! I’m sure with a name like Blink, I’d remember you if you were a friend

Subject Matter: SINCERE COMPENSATION . - What is Sincere Compensation? Or, come to that, what is Insincere Compensation?

You might find it so difficult to remember me. Though, it is indeed, a very long time. On my singular, I am much delighted and privileged to contact you again, after couple of years now. - Yes. I do find it difficult to remember you, because we never met. Not even a couple of years ago. However, on my bicycle, I’m glad you are privileged.

It takes fate, courage and God’s fearing to remember old friends and at the same time, to show gratification to them, despite circumstances that made things, not worked out as we projected then. - Actually, I find an address book is easier.

I take this liberty to inform you that, the transaction we were pursing together, finally worked out by God’s infinite mercy and I decided to contact you, just to let you know. I have conscience as a human begin, due to your tremendous effort and contribution to make things work out in retrospect. - I’m glad things worked out, but I don’t remember pursuing anything. And what’s this thing about being a “human begin”? Are you the Missing Link?

Meanwhile, I must inform you that, I am presently in Luxemburg for numerous business negotiations and establishment. I just arrived yesterday night and checked inn, in a hotel and decided to go down to the hotel business centre to mail you. Now, with my sincere heart, I have raised and signed an International Cashier’s Bank Draft, to the tune of USD$520,000.00 ( FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DECIMAL ZERO-ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) only in your name as COMPENSATION to your dedication, humanity and contribution, as it were. - I hope you are enjoying your stay in Luxemburg, though I’m not sure whether you are staying at an Inn or an Hotel. Wow! That’s a lot of money, though you needn’t have spelled it out. I believe you. It’ll come in handy. I take it this is for my blogging efforts? Though I’m not sure I like the “as it were” bit. That sounds a bit sarcastic.

Please, contact NOW, my confidential secretary, she is in the name of:

MR WOOD WILLAMS (Secretary) - I take it Mr Williams hasn’t had the operation yet? Or is he lying about his gender?

You are to forward to her, the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME & ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER ( If necessary) - There you go again! Your secretary is a MAN. Look under the desk if you don’t believe me. And how do I know if my number is necessary?

She will advise you further about the shipment of the ICBD to your Residence Address or Offices Address you may provided. Feel free to reach via this very mail address. Most importantly, the ICBD has only validity period of 12 banking days. - Now look here! I’m getting tired of telling you this… He’s a man. Ask him to take down his trousers. I’m sure he’ll oblige. And be careful. Your grammar is beginning to break up a bit. Are you driving through a tunnel?

So, your early response to that effect, shall be admired. You have to mind the days on route shipment. - What?

Sincerely Yours,

GRANDAD (Aged Philanthropist and Blogger)

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