Head Rambles

Grandad February 5th, 2007

Something very strange is going on with my spam.

My spammers are starting to talk to each other on my site.

At the begining of the year, Ron installed a thing called Askimet in the site here, and it stops all the spam. It is very good. So far it has stopped 1,600 comments being posted that would have been unsavoury, to put it mildly.

All I have to do is go in and check every now and again that it’s not making any mistakes. So far it has only made one, which isn’t bad. I then delete the rest.

For the last week or two though, the spam seems to have changed.

Instead of just trying to sell me viagara and send me to casinos and porn sites, the spammers are starting to make comments. And what is even stranger, some of them seem to be commenting on previous spam. They are even complaining about themselves.

I went in to check this morning and I found the following spams. I have put them in the order I received them. I have left out any that included a link, so all of these remaining ones are just messages. They are unedited which may explain the odd bracket or two. They all come from different spammers.

Now, I always believe in replying to letters [my mother taught me that], so of course I replied to them. I have included my responses, for what it’s worth

Are they strange? Or what?

It is possible to delete all this spam? - Yes. No problem

Is it ok? - Well, that depends. If it is not immoral or illegal, then I’d say go for it.

( spam ( - I know!

Not bad, it really can occur - Most things can occur. Unless they are impossible.

COol - You like it?

Fucking Pidors! Spammed so much( - No need for that kind of language

Awesome, man - Yeah. Cool, dude

Looks nice - Thanks

Spam really sucks( delete it - I have every intention of doing so

Glad to hear it - I take it you are referring to the last comment I sent?

Hello! informative nice site, excellent design! - Thank you very much. Though I wouldn’t call it informative as such.

So much spam ( - I know. Terrible. Isn’t it?

Thanks man, i agree - About so much spam?

Hello! interesting nice site, excellent design! - Thank you so much. Why don’t you vote for me in the Irish Web Awards?

I think they may be having a nervous breakdown. Should I have added the phone number of a good clinic?

• spam
• Comments(5)

Grandad December 15th, 2006

As you may gather, I love spam. It is a source of endless amusement

I received this one today. Seeing as she is a philanthropist, I have to answer it.

From: DR.JULIET BLINK (Philanthropist)

Dear good friend,

Subject Matter: SINCERE COMPENSATION .

You might find it so difficult to remember me. Though, it is indeed, a very long time. On my singular, I am much delighted and privileged to contact you again, after couple of years now. It takes fate, courage and God’s fearing to remember old friends and at the same time, to show gratification to them, despite circumstances that made things, not worked out as we projected then.

I take this liberty to inform you that, the transaction we were pursing together, finally worked out by God’s infinite mercy and I decided to contact you, just to let you know. I have conscience as a human begin, due to your tremendous effort and contribution to make things work out in retrospect.

Meanwhile, I must inform you that, I am presently in Luxemburg for numerous business negotiations and establishment. I just arrived yesterday night and checked inn, in a hotel and decided to go down to the hotel business centre to mail you. Now, with my sincere heart, I have raised and signed an International Cashier’s Bank Draft, to the tune of USD$520,000.00 ( FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DECIMAL ZERO-ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) only in your name as COMPENSATION to your dedication, humanity and contribution, as it were.

Please, contact NOW, my confidential secretary, she is in the name of:

MR WOOD WILLAMS (Secretary)
E-mail: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx
Tel.: +000000000000
You are to forward to her, the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME & ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER ( If necessary)

She will advise you further about the shipment of the ICBD to your Residence Address or Offices Address you may provided. Feel free to reach via this very mail address. Most importantly, the ICBD has only validity period of 12 banking days.

So, your early response to that effect, shall be admired. You have to mind the days on route shipment.

Sincerely Yours,

Dr.JULIET BLINK. (Philanthropist)

So here is my reply………..

Dear good friend, - Hold on now! I’m sure with a name like Blink, I’d remember you if you were a friend

Subject Matter: SINCERE COMPENSATION . - What is Sincere Compensation? Or, come to that, what is Insincere Compensation?

You might find it so difficult to remember me. Though, it is indeed, a very long time. On my singular, I am much delighted and privileged to contact you again, after couple of years now. - Yes. I do find it difficult to remember you, because we never met. Not even a couple of years ago. However, on my bicycle, I’m glad you are privileged.

It takes fate, courage and God’s fearing to remember old friends and at the same time, to show gratification to them, despite circumstances that made things, not worked out as we projected then. - Actually, I find an address book is easier.

I take this liberty to inform you that, the transaction we were pursing together, finally worked out by God’s infinite mercy and I decided to contact you, just to let you know. I have conscience as a human begin, due to your tremendous effort and contribution to make things work out in retrospect. - I’m glad things worked out, but I don’t remember pursuing anything. And what’s this thing about being a “human begin”? Are you the Missing Link?

Meanwhile, I must inform you that, I am presently in Luxemburg for numerous business negotiations and establishment. I just arrived yesterday night and checked inn, in a hotel and decided to go down to the hotel business centre to mail you. Now, with my sincere heart, I have raised and signed an International Cashier’s Bank Draft, to the tune of USD$520,000.00 ( FIVE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND DECIMAL ZERO-ZERO UNITED STATES DOLLARS) only in your name as COMPENSATION to your dedication, humanity and contribution, as it were. - I hope you are enjoying your stay in Luxemburg, though I’m not sure whether you are staying at an Inn or an Hotel. Wow! That’s a lot of money, though you needn’t have spelled it out. I believe you. It’ll come in handy. I take it this is for my blogging efforts? Though I’m not sure I like the “as it were” bit. That sounds a bit sarcastic.

Please, contact NOW, my confidential secretary, she is in the name of:

MR WOOD WILLAMS (Secretary) - I take it Mr Williams hasn’t had the operation yet? Or is he lying about his gender?

You are to forward to her, the following:
1. YOUR FULL NAME & ADDRESS
2. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER ( If necessary) - There you go again! Your secretary is a MAN. Look under the desk if you don’t believe me. And how do I know if my number is necessary?

She will advise you further about the shipment of the ICBD to your Residence Address or Offices Address you may provided. Feel free to reach via this very mail address. Most importantly, the ICBD has only validity period of 12 banking days. - Now look here! I’m getting tired of telling you this… He’s a man. Ask him to take down his trousers. I’m sure he’ll oblige. And be careful. Your grammar is beginning to break up a bit. Are you driving through a tunnel?

So, your early response to that effect, shall be admired. You have to mind the days on route shipment. - What?

Sincerely Yours,

GRANDAD (Aged Philanthropist and Blogger)

• Internet , Rambles , spam
• Comments(1)

Grandad December 14th, 2006

I was talking to Ron last night, who is into all this Internet thing.

He designs sites and puts them on his servers and looks after the “www.whatever.thingy” things.

He has loads of contacts in the business and he heard this experience from a pal of his. I’m not sure of the pal’s name, so I’ll call him Fred. Fred also runs a web design company.

Ron is amused, though he shouldn’t be, as one of Fred’s clients has screwed up.

I asked him why he was so smug, so he told me his little story.

Fred has been looking after this client for years and the client is very happy. They are a very big company. They are selling stuff by the bucketload off the site that Fred designed. Especially now that it is the height of the buying frenzy.

Anyhow, it appears that this company has an accountant. Now this is your typical “Monty Python” accountant. He knows credits and debits and double-entry and balance sheets like the back of his hand. But he knows NOTHING about anything else.

Now the accountant has been receiving spam. Because he doesn’t live in the real world, he doesn’t realise that spam is a part of everyday life. He thinks he shouldn’t receive it, because it isn’t full of numbers and audits and VAT. So he decided to fix it.

He sent a fax to Eircom saying he wanted to change the company’s domain name over to them. Fred doesn’t know why he did this. Even Eircom doesn’t know why he did this. Apparently it makes no sense at all. It’s a bit like being tired of junk mail coming through your letterbox so you tell the postman you now live in London. It’ll stop the junk mail all right, but it’ll stop everything else as well. But the accountant had heard “somewhere” that this would fix his problem.

And it did fix the problem. The spam stopped all right. So did all the rest of the important e-mails that a company relies on. Their website disappeared too. And all the sales that were going on at the time.

So everyone in the company went berserk. Except for the accountant who was now happy because he had no spam. But the rest all ran in circles trying to undo the damage he’d done. But it wasn’t that easy, because the accountant said that he was happy now he had no spam, and he wasn’t going to undo anything he had requested. And the way he had set it up, only he could undo it.

I asked Ron if Fred shouldn’t be worried, because he was supposed to be in charge of the whole thing.

He said no. He said the accountant screwed up by meddling in things he knew nothing about. And Eircom got things wrong because they got completely incorrect instructions from the accountant.

So Fred was in the clear. And this is why Ron had a smirk on his face.

It was the first time he had ever encountered an accountant who would put a company out of business, rather than receive spam mail.

In the meantime, the owner of the company is having a short holiday in America, and he doesn’t know anything about this. Unless he connects to his website every day, which would be a bit silly if he is on holiday.

I hope he has a very nice relaxing holiday. I hope he winds down and returns to work fighting fit. He’s going to need his strength.

• Internet , spam
• Comments(5)

Grandad December 5th, 2006

I am going to open a university.

It is going to offer the usual range of qualifications, from Certificates up to, and including Masters Degrees.

But before you go rushing off to apply, there is one thing you should know - it is a very exclusive university. To qualify for entry, you must be a spammer.

I receive a lot of spam. Don’t we all? And the one thing that seems to be lacking in all spammers is a basic education. They can’t spell. They haven’t even the basic rudiments of grammar. They don’t seem to realise that it undermines their message.

For example, I defy you to invest in a company that advertises

We’re glad to present a new suggestion you won’t deny. Here is a great chance to makemoney without running the risk of losing them. Without doubt, it is a firm bargain.

Can you imagine holding erudite and profound conversations with a life-long partner who introduces herself [or himself?] with the following -

Hi there lovely,
I was searching the net few days ago. I am new to this thinga. and saw your profile. I decided to email you cause I found you attractive.
I might come down to your city in few weeks. Let me know if we can meet each other in person.
I am attractive girl. I am sure you won’t regret it.

Would you buy Viagra or Cialis from “VjAGRA_nw_$1,78, CjALiS_uz_$3,00″ when they can’t even spell it?

The one that finally gave me the idea was a gem I received the other day -

Hello Rgjournal!!.
Absloutely are no cotnracted tests, classes, books, or interviews !
Attain a_Bachelor,s Masters., MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) diploma.
Get the rewards nad support_that comes with a.diploma !
Nobody is reejcted
anonymityq uestionless

Even the universities need educating!

So my friend Sam is going to set up my mail system, so that every spam will receive a reply….

Deer Spammer
We thank your for message I red, adn we hav offer you can refuse not.
I can help you impres your reeders by edyoucating you in how to spelling and make words put together.
You wil get gooder sales. You wil sell things better.
Aply now to the Headrambles University!
You wil regret it not.
Replie to this male with your [no doubt,stolen] credit card detales.
Yoors sinseerly
Grandad

• Internet , Rambles , spam
• Comments(2)

Grandad November 15th, 2006

Since I started this website, people have been writing comments back about the things I say. That’s nice. It means people actually read what I write. Strange, but true. And I thank all these people, especially my visitors from Sydney and Melbourne who have come such a long way.

However, a lot of people are sending me comments that frankly have me a bit confused. They tend to be just one line, and they don’t seem to have much relevance to the article I’ve written. Maybe there is someone out there who can help me?

Here are some of them [and I am writing them exactly as I received them]…

male orgy orgy party gay football orgies… - now I’m not going to allow this one, because you all know my attitude to sport.

free squirters… - Not sure about this one. I like the word ‘free’, but does it refer to water pistols?

edqleiedbpg ajvpcljpvs umzfhrjyno wwpvlxrm … - I think this person has their keyboard upside down. Pity. It might have been interesting.

voyer cam teens flashing bras pee girl… - I have passed this one on to a judge I know of, who has just retired.

codec klite pack… - Has this something to to with mountaineering?

small boobs… - Don’t worry about it. It’s the person that counts, not the looks.

massive boobs… - See above.

free voyuer pictures… - Are they advertising cruises?

japenese porn… - Despite the misspelling, the judge is getting this one too.

male domination… - No. I don’t go for this one. I’m all for equality.

amateur lesbians… - How can they be amateur? They either are one or they aren’t. I didn’t know there was some kind of apprenticeship?

black and white men together… - That’s nice. There is too much racial hatred these days.

asian mistress asian pre teens japan girls in tokyo… - yet another for the judge.

sex pregnant… - Yes. A logical progression.

hairybeavers male armpit uncut foreskin… - This one worries me. I think they rather badly need to see someone professional. If they get in touch with me, I know a very good psychiatrist.

There are loads more, but I don’t want to bore you.

So thanks to all of you for taking the trouble to write. Some of you seem to be a bit confused, and you are also missing the point of the Comments section, as none of the above had any relevance to what I had written.

You can stop now, as from now on I will just delete them.

• Internet , spam
• Comments(13)

Grandad October 21st, 2006

I get lots of e-mails. Hundreds of them. Often I think they are a little confused because they keep wanting my banking details for banks I’ve never heard of, but we all make mistakes.

I also get mails for very nice people who want to meet me. They usually start off with something like “Hi, I am a very good looking girl and would like to meet you”. That’s nice. But a lot of them come from people called George or John. I think someone should tell them what a good looking girl looks like. I wouldn’t say girls with beards and hairy chests would be very good looking.

I got one today. The title [as the risk of offending some people] is “MyPENIS HAS GROWN FROM 3 INCHES TO JUST OVER 6″, AND IS STILL GROWING!”. Fair play says I. But it is sent by “Fumiko Lady”. Now there is a girl with a problem. And apparently it’s growing! I don’t know why she is telling me about it though.

The really good news though is that I keep winning lotteries. I estimate that at the time of writing, I am worth somewhere in the region of €300 million. One of these days when I’m running a little short of cash, I’ll write back to these nice people and ask for my money.

If I’d known there were such lovely people around, I never would have bothered with a pension plan.

• Internet , spam
• Comments(1)