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Bad news is no news

Grandad January 8th, 2012

It’s all over.

Sharon and myself are no longer an item.

She took it very badly and of course there were tears and recriminations. I told her it was nothing she did, or for that matter it was nothing I did. I told her it was a simply matter of my not being able to see her any more.

She begged me to think again. She pleaded with me to give her another chance, but I pointed out that it wasn’t up to either of us. What finally broke us apart was the news itself. I told her I could no longer watch the news as it was too fucking depressing.

I told her that for a long time now the joy of seeing her had been overshadowed by the depressing shit she was pouring out every evening. All those murders, tax hikes, strikes and redundancies had finally taken their toll and I just couldn’t take it any more.

She pleaded on bended knees [and very fetching knees they are – I’ll miss them] and swore she would only read happy news from now on, but I had to point out to the poor girl that it wasn’t up to her. The news is the news and she would just have to accept that life is pretty miserable at the moment.

I admit I will miss her. I’ll miss that little secret smile she used to give me at the end of each bulletin. Life will be depressing without her, but it would be a lot more depressing if I continued to see her. A classic example of the devil and the deep blue sea.

So if you catch sight of a little tear trickling down her cheek as she reads the news. you’ll know the reason.

She’s just another victim of the miserable times we live in.

Fifty years on

Grandad January 2nd, 2012

I don’t remember much about the launch of television in Ireland fifty years ago.

I very much doubt that many people do, as to witness the launch you would have had to have had a television and very few did. They were bulky and expensive yokes, costing several weeks wages, and seeing as there were only two other channels [BBC and ITV] people didn’t bother. Also the signals from the UK channels were very weak so you would have to have added the cost of a massive great aerial to the cost of the set. Television was the preserve of the wealthy.

It was another six or seven years before we got our own television. It was a far cry from the sets that litter virtually every home these days. No colour, a huge box with a small screen and six buttons to select the channels. Changing channels or adjusting the volume had to be done at the set as there was no such thing as a remote control. As well as the volume, chances were you’d have to regularly adjust the horizontal and vertical holds as the picture frequently broke up and would start to scroll or become a mess of horizontal lines. Every time a car went past outside the picture would disappear in a mass of screeching black and white spots.

Things have come along a bit since those days. Colour, flat screens, remote controls and satellite dishes have seen to that.

I have a choice of around seven hundred channels now, all with perfect reception and no interference. Nearly every single one of them is pure unadulterated crap. Of all those hundreds of stations I probably tune into about ten in all.

jedward

Fifty years of massive technological progress and all I get is fucking Jedward.

*sigh*

Just thirty seconds of your time

Grandad December 13th, 2011

Dear Advertisers,

I have probably written to you on this subject before as it is something close to my heart. If I did, you chose to ignore my message which is not a good thing for either of us. If I didn’t then here are a few tips for you to improve your sales and for me to retain my sanity.

If you are trying to sell perfume or cosmetics then don’t show sexy young things. It is false advertising. I know because I tried one of the products on Herself once and she still looked the same after. That was Not Good.

What is it with you lot and cartoons or animations? Just because you have done a night course in computer animation doesn’t mean you have to use it. Trying to sell to an adult by using cute cartoon characters or talking animals is condescending and doesn’t work. After a few years of babysitting the Grandchildren, I am off cartoons for life. And sticking a pair of arms and legs on your product is not cute nor funny and is guaranteed to make me avoid that product for life. In particular I find those characters with long pointy noses very irritating and faintly nauseous.

Why do you insist on using the expression “must have”? Only I know what I must have and you have fuck all chance of convincing me otherwise. The same goes for “perfect day”. Chances are my perfect day will not include any of the shit you are trying to convince me to buy. So fuck off with those two expressions. Capiche?

Trying to sell a chat line by showing a slapper in her underwear and rubbing her tits is more than misleading. I know that I am more likely to end up chatting to some pox ridden skanger in Tallaght who is just trying to supplement her Unemployment Benefit. I appreciate that showing some middle aged bag wearing trainers and a dirty tracksuit is unlikely to promote your product, but that’s your problem and not mine.

I do not understand this obsession with America. Am I really supposed to be so in awe of all things American that I will buy something because you film the advertisement in New York or stick “American style” onto the product? You once showed an advertisement that showed a tosser swimming the Atlantic to enjoy a pint in a New York pub. It put me off Guinness for nearly a week, it was so fucking ridiculous.

I am not in the habit of driving along Alpine roads. If you are trying to sell me a car, at least have the decency to show it being driven on potholed roads or stuck in a permanent traffic jam. Even better, show it in a car park being battered to death by supermarket trollies.

These are just a few pointers. I would ask you to take heed and then maybe – just maybe – I might show a passing interest in your products.

Alternatively you can all bugger off and leave me in peace.

Now that would be a “perfect day”.

Yours etc,

Grandad

Rambles , Television
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Difficult decisions

Grandad December 4th, 2011

Tonight our Glorious Leader is going to make a “state of the nation” address.

Dame Enda is going to explain to us that we are in a “difficult situation” – as if we didn’t know – and how he is going to try to extract the last drop of blood from an already bloodless society in the budget tomorrow. It’s somewhat akin to a torturer explaining to his victim that it’s for his own good, as he racks the voltage up by another ten thousand volts.

There is a problem though.

If our Great Leader expects an undivided audience, he is going to be disappointed. He has to compete with the X-Factor on another channel.

It’s a tough choice.

Do we sit and listen to all the pathetic reasons why we have to be buggered yet again, or do we switch over to that Valium for the terminally brain dead?

I know what I am going to do.

I’m going to paint the back lobby.

I shall then sit and watch the paint dry, while inserting needles up under my fingernails.

It’s preferable to the other two.