Archive for the 'Television' Category

Jack’s bladder

Grandad January 19th, 2008

I am not really one for watching these American series on television.  You know the ones I mean - CSI  or Lost or whatever.

However, our K8 has a thing for 24.  Herself and TAT buy each series as they come out.  And they lend them to us.

So I’m in the middle of watching 24. 

This series starts with Jack Bauer arriving back into America having spent two years in a Chinese prison, where he has obviously been treated like a Christian Brothers pupil.

He gets off the plane and you can see he is utterly exhausted.  His body is covered all over in terrible scars, and he looks like Robinson Crusoe.

They give him five minutes to shave and spruce himself up, and then he is straight off into his adventure.

So far, about nine hours have passed.  And in that time, he has killed terrorists, been captured and tortured [and, of course escaped] and defused an atomic bomb.  He has outguessed the American president and proved that his thinking is clearer that the combined American cabinet.  He has taken control of a situation that had the best brains confused.  He has of course saved countless lives also.  His thinking is crystal clear and he is on top of every situation.

There is only one thing he has failed to do so far.

There is this character.  Her name is Chloe O’Brien.  She is supposed to be the top computer expert, but she seems to solve everything by using sub-nets(?) or pieces of code that nobody has heard of except her.  She has a face on her like a smacked arse, and she looks like a spoilt child that can’t go to the party.  She has had a permanent scowl on her face since the programme started.

chloe-24
Chloe in a happier mood

Jack has failed to make her smile.

Now, all of this has taken place since he stepped off that plane from China. 

So far, he hasn’t been given one chance to take a nap, or even to sit down, yet he is running around like a demented ferret, jumping out of helicopters and driving like a dervish around Los Angeles.

He hasn’t eaten anything since he arrived.  The b*st*rds haven’t even offered him a sandwich or a Mars bar.

bauer2
Gimme that apple!  NOW!!

He hasn’t even stopped to take a pee.

I sometimes think of Jack Bauer when I’m sitting in a traffic jam on the M50.  I’m stuck there, with no sign of moving anywhere, and I’m bursting for a leak.

I wish I had Jack Bauer’s bladder.

The Late Late Toy Showoff

Grandad December 1st, 2007

“Anything on tonight?” says I.

“Only the Toy Show” says Herself.

“Jayzus!” says I “you’re not going to watch that sh*te, are you?”

“It might be a laugh” says Herself.

She was right.

To those of you who don’t know him, Pat ‘The Plank’ Kenny is an experiment that went horribly wrong. At some stage in the past, they tried to clone an android and a human, and they failed abysmally. The Plank is the result. This goes some way to explaining how Plank doesn’t understand children because he never was a child himself. To him, children are horrible little irritations who keep trying to steal his limelight.

Plank is madly in love with himself. He has sex on a very regular basis. In fact, he has sex every time he passes a mirror, or other reflective surface. That’s why you rarely see him out and about. He knows he wouldn’t be able to resist a quick whack-off if he caught sight of himself in a shop window. I don’t think he has ever had sex with anyone else though.

And this is the bloke they put in a studio with dozens of children for over two hours, on live television.

It is a recipe for disaster, and it was.

On a cringe scale of one to ten, the programme started off at around twelve and went downhill from there.

Herself and I kept a tally through the programme. We kept score of how much we estimated each toy would cost [it averaged at around €200], how long it would last before boredom set in [average, 5 minutes] and how long parents would have to take to pay off the moneylenders after their rugrats had seen the programme [average, 2 years].

The toys were useless. Virtually every single one of them had a microchip and a load of batteries. Talking dogs. Singing dolls. Remote control everything.

What made the programme so enjoyable was that nothing worked. Every toy that was wheeled out failed abysmally.

The highlight of the programme was at the very beginning, when a crawling baby doll was produced. Two little girls were to demonstrate all the ‘technical features’ of the doll, so it was placed on the studio floor. It didn’t work. It just sat there immobile.

“He wouldn’t” says I

“He would” says Herself.

“He wouldn’t dare” says I.

He did.

The Plank stepped forward and whacked his size eleven boot up the baby’s hole, sending it skittering across the studio floor.

Of course there were howls of protest from the two girls. They had just seen a baby kicked in the arse. Pat couldn’t understand it. He had just seen a cheap toy being given a nudge. He tried to apologise, and blamed studio electronics.

Throughout the programme, as toy after toy failed, he blamed studio electronics, and muttered about how they had worked during rehearsals. B*ll*x. If they worked during rehearsals, they should have worked on the programme. It was just a live demonstration of the non-lifespan of the things.

The whole programme was a fiasco. It was hilarious. It was embarrassing. It was gripping stuff. I couldn’t watch, it was so bad. I couldn’t miss a minute, it was so funny.

After the Late Late, they always hold a post-mortem. In the old days, Gay Byrne used to produce a bottle and they’d celebrate the success of the program.

I’d say after last night’s post-mortem, there was blood on the walls and the ceiling.

I wish to God that someone would remove Pat The Plank’s batteries.

-oOo-

Addendum

I have just found a list of the crap that was demonstrated [and prices!!]

Another Addendum

Apparently, RTE are too embarrassed by the list.  They have taken it down!!

Bring back the parasites

Grandad November 20th, 2007

Whatever happened to the good old ads on television?

Nowadays all we seem to get is health supplements and cosmetics and cars.

I would cheerfully shoot Andie McDowell and that screechy voice of hers….

We used to have decent ads telling us the virtues of Gouldings 10 10 20 fertiliser.  There were pictures of happy looking farmers letting grain trickle through their fingers. I learned all about the benefits of a good dose of fertiliser on a crop.  I could have started a farm.

The best ones though were the ones involving animals.  I learned all about drenching cattle and sheep dipping.  We had lovely film of farmers ramming tubes down a cows throat while he [she] got a shot of something weird and wonderful.

My favourites though were the ones that showed actual magnified images.

Who can possibly forget the Sarcoptic Mange Mite?

mange_mite

Or even Sucking Lice?

sucking_lice

And they always put those ads on at mealtimes………… 

Emergency reactor shutdown

Grandad November 17th, 2007

Last night, in the interests of research for this blog, I watched the Late Late Show.

Actually, it was because Herself grabbed the remote control.

We went through that stupid owl thingy for the bank, and then the horrible theme music played.

Then The Plank walked on set.

He had that supercilious look-at-me-am-I-not-soooo-handsome look on his face.

pattheplank
The Plank

My brain went into emergency shutdown.  The neutron rods slammed into the reactor core to prevent a nasty meltdown.  It’s a built in safety feature.  There was nothing I could do about it.

I don’t remember anything else.

…

Engineers are now working to restore my brain to full working power, and I should be on-line later today.

It’s nice to know that the safety features work. 

I’ve been tagged again

Grandad November 11th, 2007

Our K8 has come up with a new meme.

And, bless her little cotton socks, she has passed it on to me.

She wants me to write a post that uses every tag. It’s all very well for her - she only has a few. I have loads. The cow!

Now I may be getting old but I find these difficult. I had a hard days blogging yesterday, as I had a good rant on a podcast to America. That was after I did my post on Cully and Sully.

So today I went for a ramble around the garden, trying to think of a topic. No go. There was no inspiration around the house either, and I’m damned if I’m going around the village or around the town for something so trivial.

Back in the 70’s life was a lot simpler. There were no computers or Internet, or even television so there were no memes. I had no irritating daughter in the family either. We found our pleasures in simple things. I remember learning to drive so we could go on holidays touring in the West, with no worries about flying and Global Warming. We had such simple sports as children in times past, like watching spiders spin their webs, and the designs they’d make. We’d go for rambles through the woods and have picnics of tea and spam sandwiches. We were a lot healthier for it.

Nowadays, work is the new religion and people have lost the use of their imagination. People only get worked up over celebrities and smoking out corrupt politicians. They panic over property prices and have lost sight of the soul of life.

No.

I can’t think of anything.

I elect not to do it.

I’m going to file this under Uncatagorised.

Maybe Sixty should have a bash at this?

Or how about Kirk at Just Thinkin’? I haven’t tagged him before.

And it’s a while since I annoyed Grannymar!!

tag-award

F*cking memes….

Stop the clock!

Grandad November 8th, 2007

Do you find there aren’t enough hours in the day?

Are you stressed by work and home obligations?

Is your life in chaos?

Would you like more time to read Head Rambles???

As a very special offer to my readers, I am offering a chance of a lifetime, not only to get your life sorted, but to appear on television too!!

I’m serious.

R.T.E. are starting a new series called Not Enough Hours. They are looking for people to take part.

I quote:

Our expert will be on hand to help you reorganise your time, and make your life a bit calmer. We’ll help you free up some of that precious time so you’ll have more time for yourself and the things you really want to do instead of the things you feel you have to.

If you or someone you know is constantly feeling stressed or harried about long commutes, leaving kids for longer than they would like, or who seems to spend much longer than everyone in the office trying to get things done, well then we want to hear from you.

So there you go. More time to read Grandad’s ravings. More time to leave inane comments on Head Rambles.

THIS IS A CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.

You can read their flyer here

Then phone Ronan at 01 208 4587 or e-mail them at notenoughhours@rte.ie.

And don’t forget to say that Grandad sent you!

« Prev - Next »