Archive for the 'Television' Category

For Sharon

Grandad November 21st, 2009

Not many people know this, but my Sharon has a delightful if somewhat black sense of humour.

I taught her well.

Earlier in the week, there was a news item about some twats who were trying to remove a tree from the back garden of a house in California.  The only thing they succeeded in doing was to very neatly slice the house in two.

Poor Sharon was given the task of introducing the item on the News.  She could barely contain her laughter.

So, Sharon – this is for you.

Did I ever tell you you have a very sexy laugh?

Dear Retailers

Grandad October 19th, 2009

Dear Retailers,

Yes, I am aware that Christmas is on the distant horizon, but I would like to point out that it is but one day, and hardly warrants nine weeks of advertising.

It is just one day.  That’s all.  Twenty four hours.  There is absolutely no need to get your knickers in a twist over it.

There is one thing I like about Christmas, and that is that it nearly coincides with the Winter Solstice [no accident, I may add].  Come that day, and the evenings start getting lighter.  It’s a small milestone in the year, so please get things into proportion.  It is not the only day in the year when people spend money.  It is not the only time I buy anything.

To those of you who are advertising sitting room suites and promising delivery in time for Christmas, I would like to point out that if I buy furniture, I expect delivery within days, not months.  If you have to brag that you will have delivery in time for Christmas, then you obviously have delivery problems and your company should be avoided like the plague.

To those of you who advertise your rubbish as being necessary for the “perfect day” – fuck off.  I cannot imagine any day being ruined because I don’t have an air freshener or the latest CD by some fifth rate performer, so just please drop that expression.  The mere mention of “the perfect day” irritates me, and I promise that any company who uses it within earshot will be firebombed.  Be warned.

I know times are hard in the retail business.  I know you are desperate.  But if you thing you are going to lay your grubby little hands on my pension by shouting at me you are going the wrong way about it.  On the contrary, if your advertisement annoys me [and all advertisements annoy me] then I shall go out of my way to avoid your tacky little product.

So here is the bargain….

You save yourselves a fortune in advertising costs, and I will try not to burn your premises down.

OK?

Grandad

Would I?

Grandad August 26th, 2009

They tell you that marriage is about a lot of things.  They say it’s about love and companionship.  They say it’s about sharing a life.

What a load of bollox.

Marriage is having to watch television programmes when you’d rather have peace and quiet.

Herself decided she wanted to watch that ghastly fanny-fest that calls itself The Rose of Tralee.

I toyed with the idea of going down to the pub, but I’m a bit short on the readies at the moment, so I was stuck.

I tried not to watch, but you know how it is with car crashes?  Yes.  You just have to take a peek.

Fuck me but some of them were woeful.  And when they weren’t being woeful they were being as predictable as sin.  They all rattled on about how it was their first trip to Ireland [I swear a couple of the Irish girls came up with that line too, which surprised me] and what a wonderful place Ireland is [HAH! They should try living here].  Their grannies all came from Roscommon [it’s probably the one, very prolific granny?].  They all do Irish dancing and they all think their escort is ‘great’.  One of them had the common sense to try to strangle Ray D’Arcy with a Boa Constrictor which was quite inventive, but the ads came on and we missed the interesting bit.

rose_of_tralee

How do the judges judge them?  God knows.

I have my own method.

Would I?

So far I have a shortlist of 0.

Maybe I should lower my standards a bit?

may the question should be ‘Would I’?’

And would they not insist on watching The Rose of Tralee year after year?

Guinness shows us how not to drink Guinness

Grandad August 13th, 2009

There are times when I am utterly speechless.

There is an advertisement that is being pumped out on a regular basis on television and probably in the cinemas as well, showing fellas drinking Guinness.

You would think I’d be happy with that, but I am not.  I am amazed, disappointed and frankly disgusted.

Here is a still from the beginning of the advertisement -

 Bad pint

What is wrong with that, you ask?

I would ask you to take a closer look at the pints those yokels are holding -

pint_closeup

Would you look at that state of that pint?

And to add insult to injury, the ignorant fucker goes and drinks it.  As it is.  On camera.

That is NO WAY TO DRINK GUINNESS.

There isn’t a single five year old who would touch a pint in that state and call himself an Irish lad.

The pint should be allowed settle so that there is a crisp line between the black and the white.  Drinking a pint that is only half settled is the kind of thing only a pig-ignorant fucking tourist would do.  I can only hope that Yer Man in the film was quietly put out of his misery and laid to rest in the local landfill, for his own sake.

Now if this were some video shot by some Walter from Connecticut and stuck up on YouTube, I could possibly overlook it.

If this were an extract from a film, I would dismiss it as a display of utter ignorance on the part of a director.

But this effort is produced by Guinness.  Yes – Guinness.  They are the very people who should be showing the great unwashed how to Down the Nectar, instead of which they are pumping out this shite which is going to confuse foreigners even more.

Poor old Arthur J must be rolling in his grave.

Word of advice to retailers

Grandad July 19th, 2009

Listen, fuckheads.

When you advertise that you are selling stuff at 50% off or 80% off or whatever, will you please be honest.

You are not doing it because the goods are fantastic.

You are not doing it because you like us.

Tell the truth.

You are doing it out of desperation because the creditors are bashing down your doors.

You are doing it because the kitty has dried up and you need some readies to at least pay some of the wages.

Next time you advertise a sale, don’t try and pretend that you are some kind of fucking Santa Clause.

Be honest.

Admit you have to dispose of any old shite to bring in a few bob to stave off the receivers.

We will appreciate your honesty.

We might even take pity and buy some of your old tat.

Honesty is always the best policy.

Sales

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