Archive for the 'Television' Category

The Eurasian Song Thing

May 15th, 2011

OK, so I have a confession to make.

A couple of nights ago I was down having a pint or three and Stony bet me a few notes that I wouldn’t watch that song contest thingy.  So I had to watch.

From previous disasters I have learned that it is well to be very prepared before watching that epic display of kitsch and utter bad taste, so I opened a new bottle of whiskey and stoked the pipe with my best Home Grown.

It was, as I expected an endless blur of forgettable songs.  There wasn’t a single one that lit my candle and the only way I could keep track of them was by keeping an eye on Dick Puddlecote’s running commentary.  Thanks Dick.

I would love to give a blow by blow account of the entire travesty, but for self preservation purposes I somewhat overdid the whiskey and the Home Grown, so last night is a bit of a hazy memory, not that I think that sobriety would have improved things, but at least I am still relatively sane today.

I vaguely remember some weird apparition cycling around the stage on a monocycle with a fucking great cone on its head, but that may just have been the Home Grown.  In retrospect it must have been the Home Grown as even the Eurasian Song Contest wouldn’t sink that low.

I remember going for a dump as soon as they announced Ireland’s entry, which I thought it the time was a very fitting and appropriate gesture.

I also have hazy memories of one of the most cringe-worthy bunch of presenters, but I do distinctly remember that one of them was quite shaggable.  She was blonde, I think.  I also remember thinking that I wouldn’t kick the German lass out of bed for eating biscuits, but that is about as far as it goes.

By the time the voting came around I was pretty well anaesthetised so I don’t remember any of that.  I had to check the papers this morning to see who had won what.  So Ireland didn’t win, which is surprising as it was certainly bad enough to be up there.  I’m delighted as it only would have encouraged that insufferable pair of twins. Maybe they will shut the fuck up and go back to kindergarten now and leave us alone?  Unfortunately, I doubt it.

Apparently Azerbaijan won.  The only things I know about that country are that it’s one of those backward countries that have mysteriously appeared from nowhere in the last few years, and that it’s not in Europe.  So I don’t know what the fuck it was doing in a European thing.

Leastwise, they are stuck with the job of hosting the circus next year which should nicely bankrupt them.

Do they even have electricity in Azerbaijan?

Good luck Jedward

May 12th, 2011

There is one thing you have to admit about the Irish – when we do something, we do it really well.

Our latest world class expertise is the ability to humiliate ourselves in public.

However, if you think our performance in Europe was good, where we went with a begging bowl in one hand and our ankles in the other, then you ain’t seen nothing yet.  We are about to play our ace card.

Tonight is the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest, and Ireland is up there with its entry -

Jedward!

For those of you who are fortunate enough never to have heard of Jedward then let me enlighten you.

The Grimes twins are a pair who were ceremoniously voted out of the X-Factor.  They didn’t win, probably because they are utterly talentless even by X-Factor standards.  Their only claim to uniqueness is their hair which they comb so that they look like a pair of ice-cream cornets.  That hair is just begging to be attacked with a pair of scissors.  Or a chainsaw.

Tonight they will be singing a song called [I think] Lipstick.  I have heard the ‘song’ a couple of times and somehow I have survived with my sanity intact, or reasonably so.  It is basically a meaningless, trite tuneless thumping beat which means it stands a good chance of winning.  It has the unfortunate effect of lingering in your head after hearing it, so you have been warned.  It is about as infectious and irritating as a dose of herpes.

There has been some debate about the boys’ sexuality.  I have nothing against homosexuality [and I mean that literally as well as figuratively] but I do draw the line at screaming queens on television, and boy do those two scream!  They claim they aren’t ‘gay’ and I believe them.  I also believe that Graham Norton And Boy George are up there with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris.

Unfortunately they appear the odd time on television, and that is quite an endurance test.  They tend to screech in a monotonous monotone, and like every like second like word like is like.  Like. They also preface every sentence with ‘Oh My Gawd’ and also frequently throw in a ‘coowel’ [‘cool’ to you and me]. In other words, they have almost reached cult status as parodies of modern yoof.

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Of course, that’s just my opinion.

I won’t be watching tonight.

However I have placed a large bet on them winning.

Either way I’ll be happy.

Breed with caution Time to panic

April 17th, 2011

I watched a bit of television last night.

It was a comedy channel off the satellite, and Yer Man Jack Dee was on.  I like Jack Dee – we share the same sunny disposition and life attitude.

During the advertisement breaks I noticed something strange.  Just as the break was starting, the screen flickered.  It did it before every break and I assumed it was some glitch in their computer system.

This glitch started to annoy me so just to satisfy my curiosity, I stopped the programme and rewound back to the point of the glitch.  That’s one of the advantages of digital television – pausing and rewinding is a doddle.

What I saw surprised me.

It was a screen full of text that didn’t make much sense.  It was all about bus drivers.  The majority of the text was white on red, but six words were in black – “Breed with caution. Time to panic”.  What in the name of fuck was that about?

I did a search on the Interwebby and found that a few other people had discovered it too.  One resourceful bloke had even captured the messages and edited them onto You Tube…..

I am not a great believer in conspiracy theories, and am firmly convinced that they are all spawned by a race of aliens who live on the planet Zorg.  I have a funny feeling though that this is just going to breed a rake more theories.

There must be a purpose behind it all.  It is obviously deliberate.

Fucking weird.

A Song for Europe

February 12th, 2011

Jedward?

Oh sweet fuck!

Bring back Dustin.

Weird

February 7th, 2011

They are running that weird advertisement again.

I couldn’t find this years version so you will have to make do with last years, not that it makes any difference as they are identical apart from the dates.

Could someone please tell me something?

Where the fuck are those skyscrapers in Dublin?  It’s the Dublin Festival, not the New York one.  Or are we once again supposed to be overawed by the American reference?

And while you are at it, could you please tell me what is supposed to be so endearing about a yoke that looks like something out of War of the Worlds?

The message I get from the film is to stay well away from New York, otherwise I will be eaten by a load of canvas chairs.

It certainly doesn’t make me want to go to a film festival in Dublin

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