Head Rambles

Grandad December 31st, 2006

And another boozefest has arrived. New Year’s Eve.

Everyone is frantically organising parties and getting ready to get drunk again.

When you really think about it, it’s all a bit silly. It’s only a number after all.

Somewhere in the depths of history someone decreed that we should have a calendar and arbitrarily set months and the number of days in each month. So there is nothing special about tomorrow. The Earth will continue its rotation around the Sun without so much as a wobble [I hope]. They might have decreed that December had 30 days, and February had 29 [with 30 on a leap year, of course]. In which case, we would already be in the New Year.

There are four days in the year that are significant - the two solstices and the two equinoxes. The Druids had it right. They were days to celebrate because they had significance on the Solar scheme of things. But there is nothing significant about the 1st of January.

And what’s all this “Happy New Year” stuff? It implies that you are wishing someone well on a particular date, but that they can die of Galloping Knob Rot the rest of the time?

It would make more sense if we went around wishing people “A Happy Next Twelve Months”, but doing it whenever we fancy, whether it be January or July.

Of course this is the time of year we all get the old question - “Have you made any New Year Resolutions?”. I have only made one New Year Resolution in my life. That was around 1965. And I have kept it. I have never once broken it. That must nearly be a record. I resolved never to make another New Years Resolution.

There are a few significant things about tomorrow. It’s the start of a new tax year. It’s also the day you realise you’ve forgotten to buy a diary and the old one hasn’t any pages left, and the shops are sold out of new ones. It’s also the day I start a six month period of writing dud cheques. I will forget to date them all ‘07.

What really p*ss*s me off is that I have only just gotten into the habit of dating cheques ‘06.

So I’ll wish you all peace, prosperity, merriment, happiness or whatever. I think contentment is the best wish.

But I wish these on you all the time. Not just because tomorrow I’ll start screwing up cheques.

• Rambles
• Comments(0)

Grandad December 30th, 2006

OK, George W. Are you happy now?

Against the advice of the international community and the United Nations, you waged war on a small country that was already weakened by war, and years of sanctions.

A small country, I might add, that was no real threat to the world.

And like the sixth form bully who beats up the first form kid, you won. Saddam Hussein is dead. Happy now? Is the world really a safer place now?

Saddam died because he wiped out a village that opposed his regime.

You have done your best to wipe out a country that opposed yours.

To date as a result of your war, the civilian death toll in Iraq stands at 57,707.

What about all the other repressive regimes around the world? Take North Korea for example. There is a much worse regime, where the population is dying from starvation while the leader is living the life of luxury. But they are sixth formers, and you wouldn’t dare touch them. After all, they do have weapons of mass destruction.

So why wage war on Iraq?

Four reasons.

Number one: You were elated by the nationalist fervour after the Trade Centre attack and wanted to cash in on this and show that America can retaliate. So you invade a defenceless country. But this backfired, and the American people saw the war for what it is. You lost out on that point.

Number two: You thought the Iraqis would fall at your feet as their great saviour, and offer you all the oil you wanted. It didn’t quite work out that way. Did it? You sorely misjudged that one, George W.

Number three: You wanted to be able to hand out all the rebuilding contracts to your cronies, and doubtless get nice little kick-backs. I don’t know how that worked out for you, but I don’t see much rebuilding going on at the moment.

Number four: You bowed to pressure from the US military who are always looking for justification for their criminally high budgets. They are the only real winners here.

So, George W. You are the leader of a country that has weapons of mass destruction. You are a threat to the international community, as you have proved. You have killed 57,707 innocent people in a revenge attack. You ignore the United Nations and international opinion and unilaterally wage war on a foreign country that has done you no harm.

They hanged the wrong leader this morning.

• America , Politics , Rants
• Comments(8)

Grandad December 29th, 2006

In a surprise move yesterday, George W Bush admitted that Global Warming may be a problem.

Speaking on the White House Lawn, which was flooded at the time up to the president’s knees, he announced that

“Polar Bears which are those cuddly little brown things that eat gum leaves, are in danger of extinction, and we must do something about it”

As winds of over 160 mph swept across the lawn, he continued

“We are informed that the polar caps are melting and this has something to do with the climate. If we can locate the base from which these climate people are operating from, then we will launch an all out war on Climate Change. No country that shelters these climate terrorists will be safe. You are either for us or against us.”

Mopping his brow in the unseasonal 110 degree temperature he said

“The Department of Homeland Security has advised us that we can provide some measure of defense by cutting down on our carbon dioxide emissions. Our scientists still maintain that variations in the climate are natural cycles, but we have now been informed by intelligence sources that the threat is real.”

As temperatures dropped to -40 degrees he smiled blankly at the cameras and announced his new measures.

“As a gesture to thwart our enemies, we are going to prohibit all unnecessary car journeys of less than 100 yards. I am also proposing that all our missiles be adapted to use eco-friendly fuel. Also we are going to run a campaign to encourage people to fly rather than drive.”

Brushing four inches of snow off the podium, he went on to outline how he also intended to limit the shooting of polar bears to ten kills per hunter per day.

“We have been experiencing an unseasonal and severe drought for the last minute, but I would ask people not to panic. We will win this war on Climate Terrorism. Any country outside the US that supports these terrorists by using cars or burning fossil fuels will feel the wrath of the American People. We will invade”

Speaking through a dense fog which had suddenly descended upon the White House, President Bush urged the American People to stand by his war on Eco-Terrorism. He announced that he was drafting the entire population into the army.

“We will prevail” he shouted, as he was sucked away by a tornado.

• America
• Comments(0)

Grandad December 28th, 2006

Many years ago I used to play the guitar and sing [sort of].

I have a very good friend Brian, and he was a great guitarist, but more importantly - he could sing, and he knew all the words.

So we used to play together as a sort of Simon and Garfunkle type setup.

This was back in the days when folk singing and the like was going through a revival period, so we were very popular. We got invited to all the parties. Also, in those days, pubs liked musicians to wander in because we would get a session going and bring the people in. We usually got free drink which was a little bit of a bonus.

I remember one time we called into a pub in West Cork for lunch.

We placed our order and asked if we could play a quiet tune while we were waiting. The owner of the place said she didn’t mind, as the place was empty anyway. So we struck up and played a bit of our repertoire. Next thing, we realised that she was standing behind a doorway listening to us.

“Are ye saying around here, lads?” says she.

We said we were camping and hadn’t picked a spot for the night yet.

“Would ye like to pitch your tent in the garden and sing here tonight?” says she. “There’ll be a pint in it for ye”.

So we came back that evening and started playing. It was a great session. We packed the place. And we got free drinks for the night.

Three Gardai [police] came in at closing time. There was a mass panic as all the tourists dashed for the door, but the locals whispered to us to stay where we were.

Sure enough, the Gardai had a pint each, wished us all good luck, and left, closing the door firmly behind them.

A couple of hours and pints later, we realised it was lashing rain and we hadn’t pitched the tent.

“Don’t worry lads” says she. “We have a spare room upstairs ye can use, but ye’ll have a bit of supper first”

So we had a lovely supper, a grand nights sleep and a lovely breakfast. And she wouldn’t take a penny for it.

You don’t get much of that treatment these days.

I don’t see that much of Brian these days, which is very sad. But we live in different counties so we don’t get together that often.

I got an e-mail from him the other day and he attached a song he has written to commemorate those days.

I like it. It brings back great memories.

I’d like to share it with you.

Please note that this song is copyright ©Brian King.

He is talking about bringing out a CD. So write back to me and tell me what you think.

Should he do it?

Would you buy it?

I know I will.

• Rambles
• Comments(1)

Grandad December 27th, 2006

I was browsing through a forum this morning.

There was a topic there where people were discussing the best and worst Christmas presents they’d received.

With one or two exceptions, they were bitching about the stuff they’d thrown in the bin, or bragging about how much they’d received.

Frankly, if I knew any of them, I wouldn’t give them the time of day.

The Daughter arrived on Christmas Eve, along with her Fella [and a few of his mates, but they were good craic and didn't stay too long]. The Grandchildren came too along with the dog who is very big and very stupid.

So, on Christmas morning we were up quite early, with the Granddaughter screeching around the house. It was very happy screeching so we didn’t mind. It was nice.

And she called me “Gwandad”, and Herself “Gwanny” for the first time which the best present anyone could have.

My Granddaughter learning to poledance

The Daughter took over the kitchen for the day. She is a great cook and loves cooking, but is very modest about it. So I had nothing to do all day except relax. And Herself took thing easy too, so she was happy, as taking things easy is her favourite passtime.

Then later in the day, the Daughter’s Fella’s mother arrived. We all had dinner. It was a lovely meal. The food was beautiful and a little exotic [all sorts of herbs and spices creeping in where you wouldn't expect them, but that the Daughter's cooking for you]. The chat was free and easy, and everyone had a laugh.

The Daughter’s Fella’s mother left later in the evening as we had no bedspace left anyway.

So eventually the Daughter persuaded us to play poker. She’s been at us to play for a long time. I used to play decades ago, but haven’t picked up a pack of cards since.

It was a friendly game. We played for tokens, not money, and we had a great laugh. We had a few sups while we were playing, so it was very relaxed. Too relaxed. It was half past four in the morning before we realised the time. Needless to say, I beat the pants off the lot of them.  It takes a sound head to play poker.

Presents? There were lots of those. Mostly for the Grandchildren, which is only right. Among other things, I got a cardigan, which I’m wearing now and is very comfortable.

But the best present I received was a house full of happy family.

It was the best Christmas I can ever remember.

• Around the house , The Family
• Comments(4)

Grandad December 26th, 2006

There was an interesting article in the Sunday Times over the weekend [on Sunday, actually].

It listed the total amount of time our illustrious TDs spent speaking in the Dáil over the last four years.

Top of the list is Bertie, at 142 hours and 48 minutes, while bottom of the list is Noel Davern at 1 minute and 30 seconds.

Quite a gap.

However, one must realise that of Berties 142 hours and 48 minutes, only 28 seconds were intelligible, so that evens things up a bit.

A surprising entry was Jackie Healy Rae, once noted for never shutting up. He only managed 18 minutes and 48 seconds. Maybe he has said everything he wanted to say. Or maybe he has discovered meditation. We will never know, because he is not saying.

Mary Harney spoke for 35 hours and 30 minutes. That is a lot of monotone. I wonder if she managed to crack any jokes in that time?. I doubt it.

I don’t think it is really a fair list though, as the content is more important than time. After all, if you look back at some of the defining speeches of our time, some were quite short.

• Neil Armstrong on landing on the Moon - “That’s one small step for Man. That’s one giant leap for Mankind” - about 10 seconds.
• Albert Einstein on discovering the power of nuclear energy - “E = MC²” - about 3 seconds.
• Archimedes on his theory of flotation - “Eureka” - 1 second.
• Newton discovering gravity when an apple fell on his head - “Ow” - .5 seconds.

So we mustn’t judge Noel Davern too harshly. Though I think he might have said just a little bit more. After all, he earned an estimated €600,000 in that period and spoke just 300 words. That works out at €2,000 per word. So I hope they were good words.

It also means this little scribble is worth around €650,000. Anyone want to buy it?

• Politics
• Comments(0)